Creating Your Own Vector

A decision once made usually means making more decisions, especially if you're taking steps you've never taken before. In this case, you are creating your own force and applying a new vector to your life.

After reviewing my options when external forces foretold that my rent would increase significantly, I decided it was time to move. I mentally created a new vector that was also going to affect me physically.

Okay, enough with the vector analogy.

Like any decision, especially one that veers away from the status quo, more questions and decisions follow. Here's how it lays out.

External Force: Apartment is raising rent of my neighbors and possibly mine as well.
Question 1: What do I do?
Decision 1: I will move out of my current apartment.

My next question is "Where?" but yours might be "Why?" For that, you're going to need some back story.

Seven years ago, I set myself out to achieve the American Dream. I wasn't married and I knew I couldn't have kids (unless I adopt) but I could buy a house. In another of those decisions made because of changing circumstances, I reasoned it would be better to buy a house than rent again. Besides, wasn't that what I was supposed to do. 

I remember filling out the finance paperwork and being rewarded an exorbitant figure that I knew I couldn't afford. 

"No," I countered, "I want to pay this every month for my mortgage and mortgage insurance. What price house does that get me?"

 It took awhile to find a house with monthly payments equitable to my rent payments, but I found one and a real fixer-upper too. This was the first step towards my American Dream future and I quickly discovered I was not happy. This was not the future I wanted but I didn't know what I wanted either. It's a tough spot to be. 

To this day I'm a little disturbed by my perception of the American Dream - a husband, children, a house. These were not ideas ingrained by my family or friends, at least not overtly. True, there are still pockets of these thoughts out there and easily ignored. This idea of the American Dream came from an subjective and intangible place as a result of watching friends marry, have children and buy homes. I began to feel like an outsider so I succumbed.

It took about a year to identify the flaws of my American Dream. During that time I was forced to reexamine many things in my life due to the 2008 market crashed as well as my mom losing her job and being unemployed for year. It made me take a hard look at my life and I realized I was existing, not living. It was time for a change and for me to set down my clearly defined American Dream.

It's funny because I was reading CNN Money this morning and they had a series called "I achieved the American Dream." Many of the defining characteristics they listed were my own:

1. Being financially independent.
2. Reaching your goal or dream.
3. Achieving maximum potential.
4. Successful career.
5. A better quality of life. 

I took these and had to decide what they meant for me, how was I going to define them.

Now before I move on to this next bit, I want to clarify something. My obligations were minimal and directed solely towards myself. I had no kids, significant other or other dependents which means my decisions were solely my own. Not everyone has this luxury and I'm aware of that. But this is an account of my decisions and actions, one of which resulted in a chorus of objections from my boss, coworkers, friends and some family:

"What are you thinking?" 

I just gave Boss Lady my 18 months notice and told her I was planning to sell the house and move to work on my PhD.

"This is not logical."

The market was still in the crash. I was going to be looking for a job in a over-saturated unemployment arena. I was going to sell my house when no one was buying and foreclosures were the norm. I had no money saved for graduate school. 

"Are you crazy?"

Yes. And I had faith that I could pull it together in 18 months. It was a little like jumping into the water when there's a haze across the horizon. You have to swim to the other shore that you know is there but you don't know how far it is and how much work it's going to take to get there. Is it a pond? a lake? or an ocean? 

"I can't believe it."

6 months before my deadline I was accepted to doctoral program and qualified for a full scholarship. 4 months before my deadline, I leased an apartment. 3 months before my deadline I hired my replacement. 2 months before my deadline, I was offered a job. 1 month before my deadline, I sold my house for what I owed. 

Making decisions is scary and taking a new direction leaves you with feelings of uncertainty. However, it was the certainty that my current future was not for me that motivated me to explore elsewhere. I chose to face an unknown future that provided hope, rather than a known future of stress, burnout and further financial difficulty.

Now here I am again with the question, "Where do I go?"