Personal Recipe Note - Fear of Failure

A stone had dropped in my stomach and like an oyster with sand, it was getting bigger and bigger. I've been blowing off the stress headaches for the past two weeks and last night I broke. I boohooed on my best friend's shoulder without a clue why. 

I spent today among the stacks at the library reviewing more books and trudged home with the backbreaking sack. I spread the texts out and thought about hanging a countdown calendar for the next 18 months. I sat ready to start organizing and my brain went numb. I went to sleep instead. When I woke up, I couldn't decide what to eat or what to watch or what to read, so I decided to write. After reviewing Friday's post, I opened a new page and realized, I'm afraid. I'm afraid to fail. 

I'm not afraid of failing in the sense of a bad grade or not completing the doctoral program. No, that I'm confident I will do. I'm afraid that I'll fail myself. That I'll compromise on my own dreams and desires. That I won't meet my own set of expectations and goals. So, what can I do? 

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

- Dune, Frank Herbert

I've decided to face my fear and write about it. Now I can decided what to eat, what to watch and what to read. I will not let my fear of failure hinder me.

Word Count: 294
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